It was 10.30 yesterday morning and I was sitting on the bathroom floor feeling a steady trickle of tears slide down my cheeks. I was not hungover. I had formed my first grudge.
I never really knew how to hold a grudge against someone. It’s probably because I’m notoriously oblivious and don’t recognise grudge-worthy actions, or maybe I just like knowing I can talk to people. Mostly, I think, it’s because I forget that I’m supposed to be mad.
I tried doing it one day, getting really mad at Mum and channeling all my energy into letting her know that I was furious at her for forcing me to make my bed at a time when I was simply seeping with maturity and independence and it was bloody exhausting. I think she just thought I had period pain.
The silent treatment is another of my favourite attempts at grudge holding. It’s never had much success because it’s kind of irrational and people who make great jokes always win. My lack of resting bitch face doesn’t help my cause either.
But congratulations to y’all who can hold a grudge. It’s a mighty feat, and I’m sure you have perfectly valid reasons for it. I never thought I’d be in a world where I’d say no to talking to someone, but it seems my mean streak choses now to reveal itself.
Gosh, that is not to say I’ve been a pure, angelic body of goodness my whole life. Hell, I’m simply more conscious of the pathetic things people do. I’m snappier, less forgiving, more just-get-your-shit-together frustrated. I get irrationally mad when two different breakfast cereals are combined in one bag to save cupboard space because that is clearly NOT WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO. There’s more doubt in the promise to follow through, less trust in pledges to be better.
Maybe it’s just a phase, a reaction to shock, a response to lies and cover ups, and I’ll be back to my old trusting mindset where I won’t question hidden agendas and the motivations behind kindness. I won’t ache for a coincidental run in with my grudgee when I happen to feel jointly brave and intelligent so that I can SCHOOL YOU REAL GOOD and high five my groupies as I strut away. Lips, hips, kicks and butt.
That, I guess, is the ultimate grudge cure.